In the 90’s I met a young man named Wade Knox, he was beautiful, and everyone said he was CRAZY with 5 Z’s….I just did not see it. Did he hear people that were not there…thats what people said…did he see people that were not there….thats what people said….Schizophrenic…thats what they said….who was I to judge….I grew up with my mother….someone who wished me great pain all my life. Wade was unusual to say the least…he had this reputation and people seemed to be scared to death of him…even his friends…I never saw that….he had the most beautiful smile that I had ever seen. He had this look in his eyes that made my heart stop and the air catch in my throat. Was I in love…I don’t know you tell me! Wade was from a small town called Lonoke Arkansas, he was famous, but not in a good way….he was a lot like me in a way…and a lot NOT like me in a lot of ways. How can you be both…well I will tell you how…. Wade was very unique…he was the most precious soul, he treated me like I was a princess….and for some reason he trusted me…was he schizophrenic…yes he certainly was…..but was he born that way or was he made that way….I will be the judge of that so you don’t have to be….He was made that way. Wade was the nephew of the infamous boy scout troop leader Jack Walls, just google either name…..I’ll wait when your done crying and vomiting come back I will still be here!!!!!! This man Jack Walls was a child molester of the worst kind. He prayed on young boys and in order to have access to them he became a boy scout troop leader….not only did he rape, and abuse these kids he turned them into trained killers. His army, because he was hoping to cause enough hell on earth that he would get to set side by side with the devil when he died and went to hell…litteraly that is what motivated him…..Poor Wade….he was that mans nephew….poor Heath Stocks….Jack made that boy kill his entire family. He told Wade to kill his family too but instead Wade locked himself in the family home and sat it on fire to kill himself so he could never hurt a living soul. Wade had only one real eye, the other was manfactured…one day while Jack was thinking of new ways to be cruel he decided that he would have Wade ride out to the woods with him and he had wade gather rocks for a fire ring…then he had him place wood in the fire ring and cover it so that in the instance of rain it would not get wet. He then gave Wade a small green bag (army green) and told wade that three days exactly from the time on their watches that Wade would ride his bike to this location and bring with him this green bag that held one pair of pliers, and one very large nail…he would use the other provided items such as flint and wool to start a fire in the prpaired fire place that he had built. When the fire was going good he would place the nail into the fire so that it could become red hot and then he was to lay just beside the fire still as a statue and that at a certain time Jack would arrive and when he came he would retrieve the pliers that wade had laid carefully by the fire so that he could use them to retrieve a glowing red nail from said fire at which time he would push the nail into Wade’s Right Eye and burn it out. He gave very careful instructions that if Wade so much as cried one tear over this loss of his eye that he would kill his baby sister. When those 3 days were up Wade went to those woods and set that fire and he laid down and waited until jack came and pushed that hot nail into his eye and perminatly destroyed his eye. When his eye was gone, he was told to get on his bicycle and ride home telling his parents that he had tied a 2×4 with a nail in it onto a rope and then drug it behind his bike where it flew up and took out his eye…this was necessary for them to think the nail had been dragging the road to explain the heat that burnt through his eye ball. Friction creates heat….This is Wade’s truth, not mine….it was his pain….not mine…it was his life…before I came along…..So a perfectly normal little boy was made into a schizophrenic….becasue something had to happen you cannot stay whole after enduring over a decade of abuse….
When Wade became an adult he was tired of it…tired of everyone in his life that should have noticed…was it safe to say he hated his parents…YEP IT SURE WAS…it was also true that he loved them and hated himself for hating them. See when Wade told them what was really going on as he got closer to adult hood they all wanted him to shut up…very rich, public family, that did not want their business put on front street as they say. They said to Jack, move far, far, away and get counceling and never see us again and we will say nothing….Wade had so much hate built up in him from this lack of parenting that he put a gun to that mans head and made him confess everything he did. Jack got 3 life sentences and 3, 40 year sentences just to make sure he is stil in jail when his sould leaves his body…as if he actually has a soul. He now rotts in Brickies Prison in Arkansas. He councels young prisioners on how to adapt to life in prision, is what a guard told me. All my life I rose above hate, I rose above everything, to always do the right thing…but this is where I draw the line…I hate Jack Walls and there is no forgivness on this earth for that scum bag. I used to wish they would just let him go for any reason so that I could hunt him down and get even for what he did to Wade.
Wade and I were the best of friends, he would ask me all the time…are you ever going to go on a date with me? I would say NEVER, your my best friend, I could not stand to loose you if it did not work out….he would say to me….ok I will keep asking……and asking…and be here…waiting for you to realize were meant to be together.
One day were driving down this little back road in the fall the weather was beautiful…I was driving…every person in town was out raking leaves…Wade waved at every single one of them…Why? Why? Why? It was weird, folks I’m not saying he gave a little nod, or flick of his wrist wave as we passed by, I mean he waived at people like we were leading a parade down the road. Finally I stopped the car and asked him…I said Ok what gives…”Wade, Why do you keep waiving at everyone we pass as if you know them personally,?????? Oh that smile came to life on his beautiful face and he said to me “HUN” he never called me Lesa just Hun, “HUN, I don’t know these folks, but me waiving at them may be the only nice thing that someone does for them today”. Those cracks in my heart in my last post, yall! Suddenly healed and I knew right then and there that I was looking into the face of the rest of my life I suddenly knew right then that I had met the person I would go to my grave loving….he went through so much and no one ever protected him, not his parents, not that town, school, no one protected him and here he is worried that they may not be having a nice day with that stunning smile of his….I was head over heals all the way in love with my best friend Wade Knox….
I did not care if he was schizophrenic, bipolar, crazy, off the rails, or just plain nuts. I loved him and he and I were two sides to the same coin. All that talk that I did about rising over what momma did to me….trying to make sense of why my God put me in that house with that woman…it all finally made sense…if I had grown up in a house with a loving mother, and such, what not…I would have never gotten to know Wade, I would have passed him right on bye just like everyone else who decided he was just to damaged to be around. Everything my mom did to me, I now thanked her for, and forgave her for, and would have agreed to go through it all over again becasue it prpaired me to be ready to meet the one person in this world that was the same inside as I was…full of cracks….our cracks were like puzzle pieces and somehow when we put them together we did not need glue, or any scotch tape…we simply worked together two parts of the same whole…oh I love you Wade Hampton Knox…I said it then…YOU ARE MY SOUL. On with the story…later that night were on my wrap around porch and there was no music playing and he had no idea what was going on in my head…..he had asked me out a thousand and one times and I had said no….tonight though….this man walked up to me took me by my hand and just started dancing with me on the porch under the moon and under the brilliant stars that lit up the sky and there was no music…I bet if we would have looked down we would have realized we were floating….He looked me in the face and with the quietest voice the tip of his nose touching mine….his eyes locked on my eyes….he said “When are you going to become Mrs. Knox….I looked so deeply into his soul and said “Absolutly, as soon as possible, I love you Wade Knox”. We were together every second of every day from then on out. We were married very soon afterwards and did life get in the way NO, NO IT DID NOT…Did Schizophrenia get in the way NO IT DID NOT….nothing could.
Wade took massize amounts of medication, and boy was our life different…some nights he would be so convinced that Jack Walls was in our house to hurt him and our children by the way we have Ryan and Cody by now….anyway…some nights it was so bad for him all I could do was yank the bed spread off the bed throw it over the kitchen table and tell him we will just hide here…the kids, Wade and I, man we spent many a night under that table…Don’t dare gasp and think oh my god that poor girl…that poor man,…those poor kids….cause this was not who we were. Every morning I woke up to him bringing me a cup of coffee, and saying time to go to school Mrs. Knox (nursing school) he carried my books to the car, opened the door, kissed me by, and said go become brilliant, Mrs. Knox, have a wonderful day. When I came home in the evening he would be waiting on the carport when I pulled in and he opened my door and kissed me and said did you have a good day, Mrs. Knox, I would say …I am now!!!! he carried my books in and my world was just fine. We had more love than you could shake a country stick at…in case you all don’t know a country stick is a big stick!
Occassionaly Wades meds would burn out and quit working, pots and pans would rattle in his head, voices would start whispering and telling him things that he did not agree with..and when they would insist that he should hurt us…..he would flip out…..like he was battling the devil himself. Long story short trips to the psych ward. Baptist hospital in Little Rock Arkansas. The Psych floor was one half of one story of the hospital, the other half was cardiac surgery….I could not set on the psych side because they did not have family waiting…all they had was this solid glass wall the patients could see out of….I sat in these green chairs on the cardiac side, I slept, ate, and lived here when he was hospitalized so that he would know I was close. It was our thing, if he was hospitalized then he would never be there alone. I might not be able to touch him but he could see me. It seemed to help his recovery. Time after time I sat and lived in those ugly, green, uncomfortable chairs. You think life must have sucked for me and Wade, where was our break, didn’t we deserve something to finally go right….ye of little faith…your not looking at everything that was right….I knew Wade had demons, but we had a good life together and the good balanced the bad. In my mind I figued my glorious God, must have worked really hard to create such a special soul to put in a human body knowing what it would have to endure to take Jack Walls out. You see the truth of the mattter is Jack had been mollesting countless numbers of children for over 40 years to the best of my ability to recount facts. His plea bargin hardly tells the truth of the story and he did not get charged for every crime just a few enough to make sure he would never go free again.
In the year 2003 I lost my mind, because you can’t seperate a persons heart from their soul and their mind remain in tact you see!
Life was going pretty good, the kids were doing great we had a perfect christmas, and I wasn’t thinking …..first things first our phone rang constantly with calls from Brickeys prison with collect calls from the inmate Jack Walls, a computer called in but he got to say his own name…it was like knives…or should I say hot nailes poking you in the eye to hear his voice. We changed our number over and over but it still happened. Wish I had shot that phone when I had the chance….we had kids, and I had a husband that often needed 911 immediatly so not having a phone would have been devistating. That empty, evil, dark souled, man just kept calling our house. God help me, I wanted them to let him go so I could destroy him. Time went by and I decied to get Cable tv…the next no no..if you know anything about schizophrenia, you know you cannot invite strangers into the house especially with wires and boxes….it sets the schizophrenic off on a paranoid delusion…..of propersterous effects….sorry for the spelling…a few tears are getting in the way at this point. (pause) (Pause) (PAUSE)….
Wade spent an entire day acting very paranoid setting in our yard watching an empty house across the street….he was not acting crazy or scary…just paranoid…watching the house….in his mind the people that hooked up the cable “MONITORING DEVICES” in our house must be set up in that empty house spying on us for Jack, in his mind, at any moment they were going to rush over and kill his children Ryan, and Cody, then his babies would be dead, and of course Jack would not stop there he would kill his wife, the only person who understood him…did I know all this was going on…no …I only saw a man setting in a chair thats all……well the next day…Wade said Hun, take me to my parents house for a minute I need to pick something up…OK I did, he went in and got something I didn’t know what but we were on our way back home, and he said swing by my friends house…I did but he was not there…Wade looked devistated….as we were headed home he said Hun stop there’s Bud, right there…I whipped in the parking lot and Wade got out to speak to his friend Bud Smith….I was not outside to hear the conversation, I now know it went like this…
WADE::::::.”Bud, I need your help, your my best friend”….
BUD::::::::: Sure, Wade, what every you need…I have your back dog, you know this…..
WADE::::: Its a big favor BUD…..
BUD::::::::: There is no favor to big brother, what do you need!!!!!????? (they were like brothers)
WADE::::::: I need you to promice me that if anything ever happens to me that you will protect my wife and sons as if they were your own, no matter what.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUD:::::: Wade, Man, it goes unsaid, you know I’d give my own life to protect your family, they are my family too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What’s going on???????
WADE:::::: Nothing man, I just want assurances that if anything ever happened my wife and kids are taken care of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Handshakes) (Hugs) Wade gets back in the car, Bud goes his way, we go ours. We get home and when Wade goes back to set in that red law chair in the yard, I go out to just flat out ask him what is going on….my stomach felt like it had butterflies….He looked me in my face and said with true heartfelt love, its going to be ok, HUN, I love you go back in the house. At this point I see that he has a gun under his leg…..”WHAT TO DO< WHAT TO DO>>>>I just ask, in a very calm voice,,,,,hey baby, whats the gun for,,,,he said no reason, I just picked it up from Mother, and Dad’s house….I said OK…but everything is ok,,,,,he said yeah hun everything is fine. I walk in the house call his mother right away, tell her Wade is in the Yard with a gun, described the gun, as the one being known to me as the gun he put to jack walls head the day he made him confess. His mom said Lesa call the police, have them come get him…..I said oK, I called my dearest friend Randy Mauk, who was on the Lonoke Police Department and said to him that I was scared something was going on with Wade and he had the gun he put to Jacks head in our yard……should I had dialed 911 maybe,,,,,would it have made a difference no….it would have made it worse….I needed help from someone who knew Wade, and would not startle him by pulling up at the house…..Randy was in the middle of raid or something and it was going to be a while. Wade just setting there….I walk out in the yard and say Wade, honey, can I tell you something….He said yes….I said….The gun….it is really scarring me….I wish you were setting out here with that thing…..he said to me…Im sorry HUN, I didn’t think of it that way, and simply handed me the gun….OK, maybe I am over reacting or something….but the butterflies are not going away…but I have the gun….I called his mom back and told her “he gave me the gun”…I asked her to call his doctor and let them know and see what they thought this was……she assured me she would call me back asap. I took the bullets out of the gun and I laid the gun on top of the tv….the shells in a silver dish on the dresser…..everything was cool, he was not upset, he was not freaking out…I had the gun…he was actually very very calm.
Only a few minutes after I got off the phone with her Wade walked in the house. He came in there and said My gosh, I could use a nap, and he laid down on the bed and took my hand, and I laid down beside him. He and I were laying face to face in our purple walled bedroom with the calming Magnolia, border along the celing….he is strocking my cheak with so much love..his watch rattling as he did so..he reaches over and unsnaps the watch and said Hun, Im so tired of hearing this band rattle put this in your jewlery box….save it for Ryan one day….he loves that watch….it is just to noisy and I am afraid its going to pull your hair and you know I would never want to be responsible for hurting you….( I have the gun….there are no bullets in the gun…everything is ok…..butterflies wont settle in my stomach….I am just feeling this out) He is telling me a story of what it felt like for him the day we met. What our kids meant to him and how until he met us his life had no meaning…that now through all his pain he finally knew what it meant to really feel good, loved, and happy.
The phone rings it is his mom, I have no idea what she said, to him when he answered the phone, but what every it was I thought it must has been bad becasue he responded by explaining to her very rationally that he hated her, that she knew all his life what Jack had done and was doing to him and that she did not give a damn…..he was classically rude….I wasn’t there when he was growing up….so those are his words…not mine…I am just telling you the true story of Wade Knox……as I herd it so legally I guess you could call it hear say…I did not hear what she said to him, I could only hear what he was saying to her and it was so terrible that I reached over and unplugged the phone from the wall so she would not have to hear it anymore and he would not have to say it anymore…..when I did he just picked me straight up off my feet laid me back down on the bed and said Im sorry Hun that you had to hear that, it has been a long time deserved. He said that our mothers made us the perfect couple that they were so warped and caught up in their own junk that they never cared about what their kids were going through….he said Hun I love you, you know this, I said of course I do, hot tears rolling down my cheeks…he was just petting my heat and I was holding all this inside until I just got really sleepy, hazzy almost and felt myself drifting off almost in a trance from the way he was stroking my hair and face….I oped my eyes and saw tears in his eyes….he kissed me and said I love you mrs. Knox but I won’t have you setting in that green chair…..(IN MY HEAD) Hugh…what green chair what are you talking about…words could not make it from my brain to my mouth…..He gently kisses me again and stands up walks over to the tv pickes up the gun…I notice immediatly….but I HAVE THE BULLETTS…What good is a gun with no bullets.
It is only a few steps from our bedroom to the front door and into the front yard….what was that I heard a tiny click…oh my god he locked the door…why did he lock the door…why did it take hours, days, even for me to get from the bed to the door…the whole world had stopped….I can’t get this damn door to open why wont the door open,,,,,seconds take days….pull push,….shove…kick…I have the bullets….why wont the door open…..God stopped me and I turned around just as I herd the gun shoot, his hands drop down he slumps forward hands grabbing his stomach…
OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHOT MY HUSBAND IN THE STOMACH….
I saw him fall forward in slow motion…..
He hit his knees then fell straight back……..
door, this damn door wornt open….think Lesa, how does the damn door open….push in on the knob and turn Lesa thats how you unlock the door….I did it….
I run to the yard…who shot him…who shot my baby….my world….my life…my soul…who shot him…..I ran right between our sons just standing there looking very odd…..no time for that someone shot Wade…..Someone…OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHOT WADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I rush to his body laying there ….I don’t see any blood what happened…his stomach is ok,,,,he was not shot….Oh god is he breathing….I don’t know my heart is banging so hard I can’t see becasue my eyes are shaking……he looks perfect looks asleep….what the hell is going on here…..I place my hands on each side of his had pulling him up …WADE WADE WADE open your eyes wade, look at me what is wrong….CPR…I am a NURSE…I will do CPR…I am CPR, AED Certified….Don’t move his head around his neck may be injured….LESA PAY ATTENTION>>>>
Tilt the head back, ok Lesa Let go of his head so you can tilt his head back…….come on NURSE, CPR, Breathe and compress……..yes I can do this…..let go now so you can do the CPR
I let go of his head and suddly my hands they are solid red covered in warm sticky red stuff…what the hell is going on what is this stuff….CPR…..is that hair on my hands what is the gray stuff….CPR LESA CPR >>>>>>get your head in the game CPR…He looks ok,,,,he is knocked out or something…..all this racket is my soul be ripped apart from my heart…..
Tilt the head back breathe……grey stuff packed in his nose what the hell…..I breathe into his mouth his chest does not rise something rushes onto my hands….OH MY GOD HIS HEAD ITS GONE IN THE BACK…..
What the hell is going on here……how is his head gone….he is not shot I don’t see any holes…..how is his head gone…..the next thing I know my yard is covered in police, ambulance, My neighbors, ,,,,,everyone …why is everyone here…what is this all over me all over my hands…..who is that screaming….my head feels like its going to blow up….Randy, Randy and my neighbor are holding me down while I scream becasue my soul is being riped from my heart….let me go to him….what the hell are they doing just standing there…I beg them just help him…let me help him….somehow I get loose and thow myself on him they drag me off,,,,holding me down and then to calm me they said I could set next to the “BODY” and touch the shoe….only…..numb….who is that screaming…that sounds like me…why would I be screaming…what the hell is going on here….why is my baby laying on that ground…..who are all these people…..Ok yes I will only touch his shoe nothing elese I promice just let me be by him….my sisters…why are my sisters here….they never come over…..who are those little red statues of my kids who painted statues of my kids……why would you paint red and gray statues of kids….am I dreaming…Wade, PLEASE WAKE UP….PLEASE WAKE ME UP..
.Wade please….please…please…baby please wake up….lets just wake up please……
Who is that screaming, who is that screaming….my god that person is screaming so loud my head is going to explode….oh my god did his head explode…what the hell happened…….
At some point for my own safty Randy decided to stuff me into the back seat of a police car so they could remove Wades body from the yard, but I was bound and detremined to kick the door out and get back to him and when the window popped they decided their idea was more harm than good…
I got back to his body and laid down beside him my head on his shoulder looking at the weird statues of our kids standing there painted red and gray…..and I floated away…my soul got up and went with Wades soul to heaven I guess because it did not stay here…it didn’t stay with me…I felt it leave…
The next thing I recall I was standing in my mothers shower with all my cloths on…fully clothed my sister Cindy standing there in the water holding me……wiping the blood from my hair…I was wearing a yellow shirt….how is my shirt yellow…why is she washing all I have left of him off of me…I can’t talk, I can’t move all I can do is stand there and let her wash him down the drain. Did someone get the statues from my yard….I don’t want my kids to see them they were terrible…who would do that……make a statue like that of my babies….someone was playing a very cruel joke on me……
How long was I in the shower…is this water falling on me…is it raining blood in here…..someone get me out of here….I need to go home..I am not at school so I need to be home the only time that we are apart is when I am at school and I am not at school so I need to be home with WADE…..Hun, Hun, Hun………………………………………………………………………………………….
When I came from the shower, the blood bath, none of this happened I realized…becaause if it had happened it would still be here…you can’t wash that down the drain…..can you…no you can’t……..
My sister has me laying like a baby on the couch ….my god they brought those terrible statues to my mothers house…she probably had them made….just to hurt me….she would do that ……why do the statues look real they are no longer red and gray…they are Ryan and Cody…someone had given them the blood bath too and washed away all that was left of their father…down the drain…..they broght the statues over and laid them by me….I felt their tiny hearts beat…..no one made a sound…maybe we were deaf now, maybe we were all dead…maybe this was a sick, cruel dream…..maybe this is what it feels like when your soul is ripped away from your heart….when someone tears the puzzle out of your chest the puzzle that only works with his pieces and my pieces…is my heart going to leak now that his is torn away…..
Time has gone by I don’t know how much of it….My kids were my kids they were not statues…they say Wade put the gun in his mouth and shot…..what did he say to me….the green chair….what green chair….what the hell was he talking about green chairs for….nothing made sense…. Take me back to my house and take me back right now….and I mean NOW TAKE ME HOME NOW>>>>>>>>>>> Me and my kids….we don’t live here….we will never live here….take us home now….I was adimate….I was going home to OUR HOUSE where Wade, the boys, and I lived.
A big pile of sand what the world….why is there a big pile of sand in my yard…is he under that sand….please tell me they did not cover his with all that sand…he could not stand to even walk barefooted becasue of gritt and they dumped a load of sand on him…..what in the world….
I am watching them…..my family….watching me…..waiting for me to go crazy….would they not love that…just leave…..I have to get that sand off my husband please leave…leave now…. please leave…..I was found the next morning in my yard having dug with my bare hands the entire area of dirt that was covered in sand unable to find him at all…..I had all his medicine laid out in the floor by the time Randy go their my babysitter, (KIM my little sister, and her boyfriend) had called the police (Randy) who I now hated where was he when I called him that was more important than Wades last day on earth…this was all his fault. I hate him for this…II hate myself……….I wan’t him back….I can fix it….I just need to find out where they took him and give him his medicine and he will be ok…..his medicine will fix this and then we can go home…the kids won’t be statues anymore and we can all go home.
Randy decided I needed to go to the hospital once I get there they help me to realize that Wade had been dead now for almost a week, and I was in something they called Severe Shock, refusing to face reality…….that my husband had shot himself with our children standing five feet away and that they were covered in brain matter and blood.
A grief councelor tried to convince me that Wade was not a good person for leaving me and the kids….I wanted to slap her face…she did not know him…know what he had been through….how dare her say that. She was trying to move me from the denial stage to the rage stage as I call it so that I could snap back to reality.
None of this could be real, if he had died we would have had a funeral….I was then told that we had a very large funeral that I had helped to arrange the entire thing, picked out the casket, the memorial flyer,,,,the prayer that people would read……apparently then I tried to drag his body from the coffin and take him home to where I would just pretend like he was asleep and we would be ok…we would just lay him in the house and pretend he was asleep and life would go on…..it does not go on……how do you go on without a soul…..because it was riped from your heart.
He was 23, Why did God bring me here, why did he let me belive that going through life with my mom growing up was ok because it prpaired me to be there for Wade, if God was just going to take him away….what was it about a green chair…..I don’t get it I just don’t get it……
It has now been 11 long years since Wade Hampton Knox took his own life in Lonoke Arkansas. I felt empty for so very long and just was not quite right for a long time. I functioned somehow, took care of my kids somehow,,,,,and I never let anyone say a bad word about Wade. So many wanted to believe that his sould went to Hell, because the bible says you can’t ask for forgivness for killing yourself because your dead so therefore you soul goes to hell. This is what was messing me up…..this perfect, beautiful man went through hell on earth to stop a demon that prayed on children. I now know today that Wade was not put on this earth to fix me, nor was I put here to fix him. There was a demon named Jack Walls loose on this earth terrorizing children and God had to put an Angel’s Sould into a mans body to fight this war. Angel’s can’t live here on Earth….but the torment that he suffered in that body, he could not let go. God gave him a small bit of true happieness as a reward for being the protector of children and then he let him come home. There are no elevators to heaven and Wade took the only route that he knew to get back home.
You know they say….all people do that have lost someone….”I wish I had five more minutes”….Just five more minutes…one more day….with their lost loved ones. I don’t wish for that at all….Wade lived through hell on earth and I would never wish that on him again for one second. When Wade died I lost my soul and I gathered the broken bits of his pain, and fear, and wadded them up and placed them inside me so that I would never forget why he was here and why he left me and these kids.
Stages of Grief, maybe they work for some they never did for me, they say at some point you have to get mad at the person who died in order to forgive and recover but I never could, and never will. I could never be mad at him. All I have to do is think of him and I am floating on that porch telling him…..absolutly as soon as possible…as those stars twinkle and he asks me when I am going to become Mrs. Knox.
I am sure you are wondering about the kids. Cody was very very young at the time and has blocked all the bad memories and only retains the good ones. Ryan, has holes in his soul as well and sometimes his sadness leaks out when he thinks of what he was robbed of. As this blog continues you will realize that my life is built upon death, anywhere, I try to find continment and love death is sure to follow. However at some point you realize that through all the saddness there was all that love and honestly when I think about Wade I feel warmth and happieness and it almost feels like he has his arms around me again.
The kids are grown now, we have all moved away and I am a teacher, I have devoted my life to making sure that I give all children in my presence a sense of safety so that they can never be hurt by anyone or felt that they have no one to trust. I still love everyone, with the exception of Jack Walls whom I hate, and when I see someone out cutting their grass we wave at them like we are leading a parade down main street.
You have a choice in this life you can let life get you or you can get life. I lost Wade, but I try not to think of it as loss, I think of it as a brief moment in my life when I knew exactly what it feels like to have it all. That love, comfort, and happieness….it may not have been the picture you would paint but it is one that I live in daily. Wade was on this earth 23 years but he will be remembered and known by all who have come behind him. The Wade Knox Child Advocacy Center was created so that any child being abused can be given the help and assistance, as well as safty that all children deserve. When a monster truly is hiding under your childs bed the least we can do is make sure that Wade Knox the guardian Angel of all abused children can protect them. Wade will live on forever in the media with the tv shows that were produced, the new segments, but most of all in our hearts in the hearts of my children. I can guarantee you that when my grand children are born they will know exactly who they are and who Wade was.
Death does not define life, your time spent on this earth is but a mere blink of an eye when compared to an eternity in heaven. Free will being what it is sometimes God has to think outside the box a little to correct the mistakes that humans make.
Did God really put me in the womb of my mother so that I could suffer and be there for Wade so that I could except his problems instead of turning him away like so many did? No, I don’t think God does that. He saw a cycle of abuse that spanned many generations deep in my family and he made me a strong soul so I could digest the abuse and rise above it. The family that was born of my body will not go through what I did and neither will their children becasue we broke the cycle of abuse. Wade was just a small token of Gods aprreciation for a job well done I think and I am thankful for the time I had with him.
This is the first time I was able to set down and write this completly without falling apart. That thing they say about time healing all wounds is a crock…..yes I said it is a crock, a mistruth, a lie….something people say to make themselves feel better in a wierd situation when they just don’t really know what else to say. Life moves on regardless of what is going on in our lives but we adjust, you never get over it but your change because of it. I know I have one more powerful angel in heaven watching me help all these children and I respect and love him for being a part of my life for being a part of my childrens lives.
In honor of Wades memory, I vow to never turn my back on a child in need, I vow to never overlook a situation and think maybe it’s none of my business…..its better to be safe than sorry because there are some sick folks out there. Is that the only reason that I am a teacher, no, it sure itsn’t ….I am a teacher because I want to give children the ability to be sucessful in this life and to grow up with all the tools to function in society productivly. Getting to watch out for the bad guys is just a bonus.