So it has been a long road. There is light at the end of every tunnel. I moved to Florida and I am teaching and I love it. My students know that I love them with my whole heart. Most days I don’t even this about these things. Since we lost everything on the trip here to a trailer mishap I lost all those items that I have clung too over these years. I can’t explain to you how easy it was to leave them laying on the road, to call the highway department and give them my info so they could send me a bill for cleaning up my past. I arrived and it is a brand new day.
Over the last ten weeks I would say, a massive issue that I have has taken a front row seat. When things are quiet I can’t function, I can’t breathe without thinking about the past. I started combing ebay shopping, I was ordering so many things that daily you couldn’t see the front door for all of the packages that were delivered. They came into my house and took over the house. I was spending so much money and honestly I had no clue what i was buying. I don’t open the boxes. Cody who is 19 now just stacks them up. It looks like a storrage facility of unopened packages. I have bought so much for my classroom that they need for nothing. The last of what I ordered just arrived today. I had 58 expected delievers when a fellow teacher helped me realize that something was going on inside of me. She is my best friend Lakisha Johnson, she is that person for some reason that I just trust with everything. I tell her I would fail at life without she thinks I am just being my normal silly self. She has no idea how true these words really are.
So last night I am setting there watch Greys Anatomy and Derrick, Dr. McDreamy dies and all of a sudden the girl who has not shopped in 3 whole days, is setting there with the wiggles needing to shop has no choice but to unleash the inner turmoil that has building inside, Am I having a heart attack, something is barking, did the parrot learn to bark.
It was me I was in the throws of the worst pannic attack imigination can fathom. I couldn’t breath my neck all the way to the top of my head was numb from lack of air. I could not feel my feet. This must be what suffocating feels like. I was crying, with snot tripping off my face sweating everywhere. My son runs in and he knows the 3 days of no shopping have been hell for me….he sees the tv and it clicks. Shes watching a medical show. What you don’t know is the problem was in my nose.
See after Wade died I finally dragged enough of the broken pieces of my heart toghether again enough to function in society. My sister, brother in law, and dad lived with me. Got to keep the crazy lady surrounded. My brother in law worked with this man named Terry, and this guy saw how broken I was and how strong I was and he fell for me right there. I coun’t stand him lol…..my sister said well its understandable you just don’t have it anymore….have what…the ability to attact a guy….she said I bet you can’t pull it off….what type of reverse psychology was my baby sister pulling here. Regardless a bet is a bet and any good southern girl knows that. I set about to prove her wrong…hey it was a challenge. Turns out Terry was better than an prescription meds that they doctors could have given me. We fell madly in love and I would like to tell you that we lived happily ever after but I can’t do that.
Filling in some more gaps when Wade died my dad kicked his life to the curb and said my baby girl needs me and he moved from Texas to Arkansas and took care of me. I needed that my daddy was the best. I loved and do love his so so much, he was such an opposite to my mother. The hugs as if I was the only kid on the planet. He moved in and after I met Terry we all settled down for a perfect story book life. Wade was a member of the family Terry always knew that Wade was part of the package and that was oke with him as long as he had us. We married, he adopted the kids life was great.
A few years passed you know how they say all good things must come to an end and thats the truth here. Daddy was diagnosed with bladder cancer, and man I went into straight nurse mode and trashed everyting in his path to recover and analiated that cancer and were onto the rest of our lives.
Daddy was a chef a pretty well known chef worked for a company out of Houma Lousiana on oil rigs, he had been an alcholic as you know and he couldn’t stop at a liquor store in the middle of the ocean so thats what he did so he could provide for his family. I get a call from the company Daddy collapsed and they have him air lifted off the rig to a hospital. Pnumonia is determined and he is home to recooperate. When he stepped in a hole on the way in the house he broke his ankle thank god for that hole. I take him to the er, he gets a cast and because pnumonia needs exercise to work it out the pnumonia got worse. I took him back in the doc said lets do some ct and xray, and mri and lets see the whole pictures. It was not pnumonia it was CANCER the worst kind small cell lung carsinoma this can not be curred, it can only be temporaly detained. I find this experimental thing going on in Arizona and loaded up the family and we moved to Beverly,,,,,hills that is….not really we moved to Phoenix AZ and daddy got in the study. This new maitnance chemo that should suppress the cancer enough to get him two or three more years. It was hell my dad was suffering so badly. He weighed 48 pounds and he could barley move. Wore diapers, could not eat. He said enough baby, i can’t do it anymore, I said I agree….will you be ok. I said I will miss you daddy so much, but you will be with Wade how lucky are you. My daddy loved Wade with every fiber of his being. He loved Wade. Something weird happened Daddy stopped the treatments and instead of dying he was getting better. He regained his strength and gained his weight back and was walking 2 miles a day. We went back home to Arkansas to our farm and lived peacefully. One day daddy slept a lil longer than normal and didn’t eat that much and slowly it declined day by day until again he was in that hospital bed wearring those diapers. I took care of him, had nurses that came in but I had already done everything they should have been doing and I said daddy doesnt’ have enough face time with the family I padlocked the house and moved my whole family into our camper in the back yard. We did not step foot back into that house until daddy died. He was in the living room and when his eyes were open he saw his loved ones. We played cards, board games, talked, cooked, he dictated his award winning recipes so they would not be lost when he passed and one day he said to me. Baby, I am scared what if there is not Heaven and if there is I don’t know if I qualify to live there. I said daddy let me tell you something you are the greatest father in the world. You may not have always done things the right way but you always helped others, you took care of me and god will greet you with open arms and you will spend eternity with Wade and I will see you when I get there and we will be together for ever. Three days passed I gathered the family (paid them to come, messed up family as you know) He wanted to see the grand kids. We all spent the day together and about 3 pm. Daddy said to me please get them out of here, please make them leave baby. I said ok politly ushered everyone out saying it was time for his bath so they left. I sat down beside him and he said can I go no, I smilled and I said yes daddy you can go. He said will you be ok, I said yes daddy I will be ok. I will be ok, he said you take care of my boys, I said I will. He said can you sing to me darlin. I sang 7 Spanish Angels to my dad watching his chest rise and fall slower and slower until his hand reached out to take Wades and led him to heaven into the arms of our lord and savior. I finished the song and when his chest fell the last time tears rolled from my face and I gathered his small tiny body into my arms like a baby and I rocked and cried and screamed and wanted to die, I wanted him to come back to me. I had lied to him, I was not ok, I could not do this without him, I told him what he needed to hear to end his suffering but I wasn’t ok. I would never be ok. My husband called the hospic and said daddys journey was over they came to collect the body and there I was for five hours rocking my father like a baby in the floor knowing that when I let go I would never feel him again against my heart. Never see his dazzling blue eyes as his mouth said to me. Darlin those eyes of yours will get you in trouble, but don’t you worry they will get you out of it too. My husband and my kids were all devistated by the loss of my daddy when I walked out of that camper I never walked back in because I couldn’t I gave my 144 thousand dollar camper to a stranger a vet that was homeless because my dad would have given it too him so that is what I did. I really din’t give give, but rather told him he could live in it free for the rest of his life.
One week after daddy died I had not showered, I had not brushed my teeth, I had not eaten a bite of food, nor had I taken a sip of a liquid. I could not. My husband woke me from my sleep grabbing his chest. Terry was having a heart attack. I left grieving daughter mode and we straight into super nurse mode. I got him to the ER and next thing I know he is in surgary. He was in his fourties and was dx’ed with congestive heart failure from a disorder called marfans that had gone undiagnosed which was exasterbated by alcholism. The doctor said he had to completly change his life. So he did. Terry quit drinking, he was always an amazing father to the boys most likely hand picked by Wade directly from Heaven. Of course Wade would have picked a new dad the kids and me were his life. Terry seemed to somehow heal us. Now daddy is dead and terrry had a heart attack.
You want proof that God is real, that Heaven is real. I don’t care how devout you are you still wonder, am I wishful thinking or is it really real, am I religious to be on the safe side. I have never done that I belive in God, Heaven, and Angels with my whole heart.
Ten months after my dad died, my husband was getting ready for work taking a shower, he got out of the shoer and walked laggidly into our room, he wore shoes all the time could not stand the floor under his feet. He walked in there in nothing but a towel said Lesa I love you, i sprang to action and caught him as he went down having a seizure, apparently he had been having chest pains for hours and thought the nitro would stop it because the doctor said nitro wont hurt so if you feel like you need it take it. Terry thought he was holding off a heart attack when in fact it was about to kill my husband.
I did cpr while cody called 911 the ambulance crew came in and did their thing and were pretty useless or maybe I just wasn’t wasn’t willing to allow them to most likely kill my husband they didn’t seem to know exactly how to proceed and had not delt with a diar situation such as this a seizure, with heart attack was above their pay grade. At this moment I was not terrys wife I was a trauma nurse and I was busy saving his life, when we got him in the ambulance I slid down the wall and went numb as his wife, the police gave my nonlicensed son the right to drive to do what needed to be done cody was very calm as he always is. One hour later we go to the hospital to claim the body because terry had died and I told them to harvest his organs for transplant to save lives so his death would at least have a positive effect on this world. You can save 14 to 23 lives with one dead human body. Your soul doesn’t need those parts and I was bound and determined for his essence to save someone for something positive to come from my loss. I called the faily told them he had died, his Mom, his Dad, and sisters all. I told them he was dead. We arrive at the hospital they were on their way. The nurse runs over and says who was the lady doing the cpr my son pointed to me she hugged me so tight and said honey you saved that mans life. I said he is alive…..hes not dead…she said no you saved him how did you know to do what you did because they knew that cpr alone didn’t do that I knew what I was doing, my son said she is a trauma nurse. She said ok, then let me explain you will understand what I am saying, right now Terry is in a battle, he is unconcious, but alive. On a resperator and it kicks in when he can’t breath normally. Right now the machine is breathing six breaths for every seven taken and Terry is taking that 7th breath on his own. She said go clean up in the bathroom, you look like hell and as soon as were ready were transporting him to a more equiped hospital so he has what he needs. I said ok I went to the bathroom and vomited and then called the family and appologized for telling them their son was dead and that I was wrong. They turned directions and headed to the hospital we would soon be headed to ourselves. I walk in my husbands trauma room the nurse is standing my his head and never moved causee that is her job. Now it is important to understand that nurses are trained to do things one way but just like anything else we tend to learn neat little short cuts. Like when hooking up an ekg or resp. censors. Instead of peeling the back off one and placing it we peel the back off every sticky lead place in on the arm and then pull them off and place them on the patient. Every nurse does this it actually helps to to place the leads where they belong because you can see the markings on them plainly. That nurse would ride with my husband and not leave his side until we got to the arkansas heart hospital at baptist memorial. The only thing I could realize in that room was that they were wrong they were wrong he was dead I don’t know what is going on but when you die your body relaxes so much that your feet just fall, if your legs are hanging from a table then your toes will point to the floor its called foot drop, it means one of two things dead dead, or brain dead, meaning that all parts of the brain are dead except for the brain stem which allows you to do involuntary things like breath, sneeze, cough, and such….but not very well one can not live a normal life on brain stem action those people are called vegetables. So i walked up saw two blown pupils when i pulled his eye lids up and noticed the monitor was indeed showing he is taking that 7th breath each time on his own. He is brain dead and they don’t have enough sense to know this. I knew I had to decide wheather I would care for a vegatible husband or choose to unplug the machines keeping him alive. We head to the big hospital and I remind myself I am nurse and not a doctor maybe I am wrong.
We arrive at the hospital and the doctor walks out and explains to us that my husband had been dead all this time, the seventh lead the nurse got stuck to her shirt instead of to him and it somewho made contact with her stomach so every 7th breath that was monitored was hers not his. He had been dead all this time. My second husband was dead. I walked into the room where his body was and I laid down beside him me and my son had the strangest conversation we were laughing and talking about something funny that had happened with Terry a few days prior and it was probably shock but I don’t know…I was laughing and he was dead. I am laying there with my head on his chest as if his heart was just taking a nap and would start beating again when it woke up. I was talking to my son and laughing and then somehow my nose realized what had happened and the smell of his dead body, the medicines they had pumped in him the smell of that room bombarded my senses and II realized that my husband was dead. When did I know he was dead, I already knew this at the house. I was doing cpr the ambulance wasn’t even there yet and I knew while I was working he was dead what was it that made me know. Well my proof of God is the answer, you see when I was doing CPR I felt a squeeze on each of my shoulders you know how someone will walk up and squeeze your shoulder as a gestrure to get your attention. I had that one squeeze on each shoulder and when I looked up thinking it was cody or ambulance there to take over the cpr I saw my Daddy standing there as plain as day, I saw my first husband standing there Wade, just as plain as day. They came to collect Terry’s soul, and to let me know he would be safe wtih them. I never stopped working they would have to wait I needed Terry I told them come back in about 40 years becaue I can’t do this today. I kept working……now he is dead, I was laughing,….now I am crying and that smell is in the air……………………………………………………………….what would you do…………………….his mom and dad thought somehow I must have killed him what 36 year old woman has two dead husbands and a dead father from the same house…..they saw me as a catalist….with this a full autopsy was done after the organ harvest which also made them mad….but oh well I was his wife something here had to make some sense. The doctors assured him that Terry died of congestive heart failure and there was nothing that I had done and in fact they said that had it not been for my phenominal nursing skills he would have been dead long ago….I got ahead of myself…as the small of that room took over my entire mind, and body, I got up walked away from my dead husband and my living son and I walked up to someone at a desk a security gard and said my husband just died and I don’t know what to do can you tell me what to do……that is the last thing I remember. My son said they wrapped me in a blanket and walkked me out side and they set there letting me smoke cigartetts back to back until I fell asleep standing up they then let me sleep a while and cody drove me home. Momma was still alive back then and a few days later I called her and said Momma Terry died and I don’t know what to do….her words exactly were…”.Lesa Marie, now look here I am sorry as I can be that your husband died, but I was having a good day until you called. Again I am sorry that your husband died but don’t you call me again crying”. Please remember my previous post tells you I did not flush her ashes down the toilet when she assigned them to be as her last wish. They set comfortably with the rest of the ashes of my lost family members.
Life goes on or so they say, mine did not. All of a sudden one day I wake up and I get dressed and I go out I spent the whole day shopping, my husband was not on my mind I bought all new furniture, got a new cell phone, and everything was replaced in my house nothign from the past was there I was done with the past and I shopped until I dropped. I went home when I was done and I quit leaving the house for 3 years. I led a very active life from in side via a computer, but if i wasn’t out there in the world nothing could hurt me. On the 3rd year I quit not leaving my house and stepped it up a notch to not leaving my bedroom, i had food stored in my bathroom suite a mini fridge and all my computers. I shopped on line just buying stuff I would never need. It took up time that I could have been grieving over my two dead husbands. It got to the point that Cody then 15 called Ryan who was in college in FL and Ryan came home and said get your purse and he carried me out and ultimatly nailed the door shut so i could not go back in my bedroom. He said you have to move from here you need to be where I can kick your butt in gear. We need you and bad stuff has happened but we need you and the only thing worse for me and cody besides losing, papaw, nanny, and two dads is the thought of losing our only mother. Now get it together now. I did just that.
Cody and I packed it up and moved to Florida and we were revitalized by the ocean, the sand, the warm sunny days. I finished my teaching degree and got an amazing job wehre now I give back rather than think of what was taken from me. I give my students everything I have in me. But everyday when I go home I don’t have those feelings, I am all alone Cody in there playing his game me in here preparing for school tomorrow and what do I do with that awakward silence that looms in the part of my life that used to be filled by my dead family members. Earns of cremated remains line the shelves as the only decoration in the house, I am sure to never set momma and daddy to close to each other I jokingly tell cody I don’t miss their fighting that they were famious for when they were married.
What do I do with all this extra time on my hands. I shop, I shop, I shop, I shop, I don’t exactly know what all I am buying I just buy it many many things a day to the extent that some days you cant get into the house because of the postal deliveriers that look like a mountain blocking the door. I shop.
The boys said if I can go 90 days without shopping they will get my my dream harley davidson motorcycle. I make the deal and that is what lead me to the panic attack that spare time that was filled with shopping was plugging the glass of misery that I have held in my heart that lid was held tightly down by the shopping of endless supply for things I do not need that I bought.
My friend Mrs. Johnson and I talk daily at work, and test constantly at night and I told her the shopping was out of control unto this point I had not connected it with death. I thought I was just a savvy shopper that was making some great buys. She sent me a message saying Lesa, reading articles I have found that your shopping to fill a void, hugh….na…..Im just a shopper….my students really need this stuff that I have in here. Last night after my severe panic attack I googled what she had said and indeed realized that my shopping was what I was doing to aleviate feeling that there was time to grieve my losses. I have now officialy gone 4 days without buying a single thing. Thank You Mrs. Johnson, and Ryan, and Cody you all are my life line on this no matter what. I think it is time that I finally make time to dispell these pent up feelings in my soul that I have gropped so tighlty under the surface. God willing I can except my losses and my gains. I am a mother, a wife and a teacher, that has been through so much but has never let it win. I continue to do this daily. I am just glad I have amazing son’s and a good friend to see me through