My Misery Has Good Company

So it has been a long road. There is light at the end of every tunnel. I moved to Florida and I am teaching and I love it. My students know that I love them with my whole heart. Most days I don’t even this about these things. Since we lost everything on the trip here to a trailer mishap I lost all those items that I have clung too over these years. I can’t explain to you how easy it was to leave them laying on the road, to call the highway department and give them my info so they could send me a bill for cleaning up my past. I arrived and it is a brand new day.

Over the last ten weeks I would say, a massive issue that I have has taken a front row seat. When things are quiet I can’t function, I can’t breathe without thinking about the past. I started combing ebay shopping, I was ordering so many things that daily you couldn’t see the front door for all of the packages that were delivered. They came into my house and took over the house. I was spending so much money and honestly I had no clue what i was buying. I don’t open the boxes. Cody who is 19 now just stacks them up. It looks like a storrage facility of unopened packages. I have bought so much for my classroom that they need for nothing. The last of what I ordered just arrived today. I had 58 expected delievers when a fellow teacher helped me realize that something was going on inside of me. She is my best friend Lakisha Johnson, she is that person for some reason that I just trust with everything. I tell her I would fail at life without she thinks I am just being my normal silly self. She has no idea how true these words really are.

So last night I am setting there watch Greys Anatomy and Derrick, Dr. McDreamy dies and all of a sudden the girl who has not shopped in 3 whole days, is setting there with the wiggles needing to shop has no choice but to unleash the inner turmoil that has building inside, Am I having a heart attack, something is barking, did the parrot learn to bark.

It was me I was in the throws of the worst pannic attack imigination can fathom. I couldn’t breath my neck all the way to the top of my head was numb from lack of air. I could not feel my feet. This must be what suffocating feels like. I was crying, with snot tripping off my face sweating everywhere. My son runs in and he knows the 3 days of no shopping have been hell for me….he sees the tv and it clicks. Shes watching a medical show. What you don’t know is the problem was in my nose.

See after Wade died I finally dragged enough of the broken pieces of my heart toghether again enough to function in society. My sister, brother in law, and dad lived with me. Got to keep the crazy lady surrounded. My brother in law worked with this man named Terry, and this guy saw how broken I was and how strong I was and he fell for me right there. I coun’t stand him lol… sister said well its understandable you just don’t have it anymore….have what…the ability to attact a guy….she said I bet you can’t pull it off….what type of reverse psychology was my baby sister pulling here. Regardless a bet is a bet and any good southern girl knows that. I set about to prove her wrong…hey it was a challenge. Turns out Terry was better than an prescription meds that they doctors could have given me. We fell madly in love and I would like to tell you that we lived happily ever after but I can’t do that.

Filling in some more gaps when Wade died my dad kicked his life to the curb and said my baby girl needs me and he moved from Texas to Arkansas and took care of me. I needed that my daddy was the best. I loved and do love his so so much, he was such an opposite to my mother. The hugs as if I was the only kid on the planet. He moved in and after I met Terry we all settled down for a perfect story book life. Wade was a member of the family Terry always knew that Wade was part of the package and that was oke with him as long as he had us. We married, he adopted the kids life was great.

A few years passed you know how they say all good things must come to an end and thats the truth here. Daddy was diagnosed with bladder cancer, and man I went into straight nurse mode and trashed everyting in his path to recover and analiated that cancer and were onto the rest of our lives.

Daddy was a chef a pretty well known chef worked for a company out of Houma Lousiana on oil rigs, he had been an alcholic as you know and he couldn’t stop at a liquor store in the middle of the ocean so thats what he did so he could provide for his family. I get a call from the company Daddy collapsed and they have him air lifted off the rig to a hospital. Pnumonia is determined and he is home to recooperate. When he stepped in a hole on the way in the house he broke his ankle thank god for that hole. I take him to the er, he gets a cast and because pnumonia needs exercise to work it out the pnumonia got worse. I took him back in the doc said lets do some ct and xray, and mri and lets see the whole pictures. It was not pnumonia it was CANCER the worst kind small cell lung carsinoma this can not be curred, it can only be temporaly detained. I find this experimental thing going on in Arizona and loaded up the family and we moved to Beverly,,,,,hills that is….not really we moved to Phoenix AZ and daddy got in the study. This new maitnance chemo that should suppress the cancer enough to get him two or three more years. It was hell my dad was suffering so badly. He weighed 48 pounds and he could barley move. Wore diapers, could not eat. He said enough baby, i can’t do it anymore, I said I agree….will you be ok. I said I will miss you daddy so much, but you will be with Wade how lucky are you. My daddy loved Wade with every fiber of his being. He loved Wade. Something weird happened Daddy stopped the treatments and instead of dying he was getting better. He regained his strength and gained his weight back and was walking 2 miles a day. We went back home to Arkansas to our farm and lived peacefully. One day daddy slept a lil longer than normal and didn’t eat that much and slowly it declined day by day until again he was in that hospital bed wearring those diapers. I took care of him, had nurses that came in but I had already done everything they should have been doing and I said daddy doesnt’ have enough face time with the family I padlocked the house and moved my whole family into our camper in the back yard. We did not step foot back into that house until daddy died. He was in the living room and when his eyes were open he saw his loved ones. We played cards, board games, talked, cooked, he dictated his award winning recipes so they would not be lost when he passed and one day he said to me. Baby, I am scared what if there is not Heaven and if there is I don’t know if I qualify to live there. I said daddy let me tell you something you are the greatest father in the world. You may not have always done things the right way but you always helped others, you took care of me and god will greet you with open arms and you will spend eternity with Wade and I will see you when I get there and we will be together for ever. Three days passed I gathered the family (paid them to come, messed up family as you know) He wanted to see the grand kids. We all spent the day together and about 3 pm. Daddy said to me please get them out of here, please make them leave baby. I said ok politly ushered everyone out saying it was time for his bath so they left. I sat down beside him and he said can I go no, I smilled and I said yes daddy you can go. He said will you be ok, I said yes daddy I will be ok. I will be ok, he said you take care of my boys, I said I will. He said can you sing to me darlin. I sang 7 Spanish Angels to my dad watching his chest rise and fall slower and slower until his hand reached out to take Wades and led him to heaven into the arms of our lord and savior. I finished the song and when his chest fell the last time tears rolled from my face and I gathered his small tiny body into my arms like a baby and I rocked and cried and screamed and wanted to die, I wanted him to come back to me. I had lied to him, I was not ok, I could not do this without him, I told him what he needed to hear to end his suffering but I wasn’t ok. I would never be ok. My husband called the hospic and said daddys journey was over they came to collect the body and there I was for five hours rocking my father like a baby in the floor knowing that when I let go I would never feel him again against my heart. Never see his dazzling blue eyes as his mouth said to me. Darlin those eyes of yours will get you in trouble, but don’t you worry they will get you out of it too. My husband and my kids were all devistated by the loss of my daddy when I walked out of that camper I never walked back in because I couldn’t I gave my 144 thousand dollar camper to a stranger a vet that was homeless because my dad would have given it too him so that is what I did. I really din’t give give, but rather told him he could live in it free for the rest of his life.

One week after daddy died I had not showered, I had not brushed my teeth, I had not eaten a bite of food, nor had I taken a sip of a liquid. I could not. My husband woke me from my sleep grabbing his chest. Terry was having a heart attack. I left grieving daughter mode and we straight into super nurse mode. I got him to the ER and next thing I know he is in surgary. He was in his fourties and was dx’ed with congestive heart failure from a disorder called marfans that had gone undiagnosed which was exasterbated by alcholism. The doctor said he had to completly change his life. So he did. Terry quit drinking, he was always an amazing father to the boys most likely hand picked by Wade directly from Heaven. Of course Wade would have picked a new dad the kids and me were his life. Terry seemed to somehow heal us. Now daddy is dead and terrry had a heart attack.

You want proof that God is real, that Heaven is real. I don’t care how devout you are you still wonder, am I wishful thinking or is it really real, am I religious to be on the safe side. I have never done that I belive in God, Heaven, and Angels with my whole heart.

Ten months after my dad died, my husband was getting ready for work taking a shower, he got out of the shoer and walked laggidly into our room, he wore shoes all the time could not stand the floor under his feet. He walked in there in nothing but a towel said Lesa I love you, i sprang to action and caught him as he went down having a seizure, apparently he had been having chest pains for hours and thought the nitro would stop it because the doctor said nitro wont hurt so if you feel like you need it take it. Terry thought he was holding off a heart attack when in fact it was about to kill my husband.

I did cpr while cody called 911 the ambulance crew came in and did their thing and were pretty useless or maybe I just wasn’t wasn’t willing to allow them to most likely kill my husband they didn’t seem to know exactly how to proceed and had not delt with a diar situation such as this a seizure, with heart attack was above their pay grade. At this moment I was not terrys wife I was a trauma nurse and I was busy saving his life, when we got him in the ambulance I slid down the wall and went numb as his wife, the police gave my nonlicensed son the right to drive to do what needed to be done cody was very calm as he always is. One hour later we go to the hospital to claim the body because terry had died and I told them to harvest his organs for transplant to save lives so his death would at least have a positive effect on this world. You can save 14 to 23 lives with one dead human body. Your soul doesn’t need those parts and I was bound and determined for his essence to save someone for something positive to come from my loss. I called the faily told them he had died, his Mom, his Dad, and sisters all. I told them he was dead. We arrive at the hospital they were on their way. The nurse runs over and says who was the lady doing the cpr my son pointed to me she hugged me so tight and said honey you saved that mans life. I said he is alive…..hes not dead…she said no you saved him how did you know to do what you did because they knew that cpr alone didn’t do that I knew what I was doing, my son said she is a trauma nurse. She said ok, then let me explain you will understand what I am saying, right now Terry is in a battle, he is unconcious, but alive. On a resperator and it kicks in when he can’t breath normally. Right now the machine is breathing six breaths for every seven taken and Terry is taking that 7th breath on his own. She said go clean up in the bathroom, you look like hell and as soon as were ready were transporting him to a more equiped hospital so he has what he needs. I said ok I went to the bathroom and vomited and then called the family and appologized for telling them their son was dead and that I was wrong. They turned directions and headed to the hospital we would soon be headed to ourselves. I walk in my husbands trauma room the nurse is standing my his head and never moved causee that is her job. Now it is important to understand that nurses are trained to do things one way but just like anything else we tend to learn neat little short cuts. Like when hooking up an ekg or resp. censors. Instead of peeling the back off one and placing it we peel the back off every sticky lead place in on the arm and then pull them off and place them on the patient. Every nurse does this it actually helps to to place the leads where they belong because you can see the markings on them plainly. That nurse would ride with my husband and not leave his side until we got to the arkansas heart hospital at baptist memorial. The only thing I could realize in that room was that they were wrong they were wrong he was dead I don’t know what is going on but when you die your body relaxes so much that your feet just fall, if your legs are hanging from a table then your toes will point to the floor its called foot drop, it means one of two things dead dead, or brain dead, meaning that all parts of the brain are dead except for the brain stem which allows you to do involuntary things like breath, sneeze, cough, and such….but not very well one can not live a normal life on brain stem action those people are called vegetables. So i walked up saw two blown pupils when i pulled his eye lids up and noticed the monitor was indeed showing he is taking that 7th breath each time on his own. He is brain dead and they don’t have enough sense to know this. I knew I had to decide wheather I would care for a vegatible husband or choose to unplug the machines keeping him alive. We head to the big hospital and I remind myself I am nurse and not a doctor maybe I am wrong.

We arrive at the hospital and the doctor walks out and explains to us that my husband had been dead all this time, the seventh lead the nurse got stuck to her shirt instead of to him and it somewho made contact with her stomach so every 7th breath that was monitored was hers not his. He had been dead all this time. My second husband was dead. I walked into the room where his body was and I laid down beside him me and my son had the strangest conversation we were laughing and talking about something funny that had happened with Terry a few days prior and it was probably shock but I don’t know…I was laughing and he was dead. I am laying there with my head on his chest as if his heart was just taking a nap and would start beating again when it woke up. I was talking to my son and laughing and then somehow my nose realized what had happened and the smell of his dead body, the medicines they had pumped in him the smell of that room bombarded my senses and II realized that my husband was dead. When did I know he was dead, I already knew this at the house. I was doing cpr the ambulance wasn’t even there yet and I knew while I was working he was dead what was it that made me know. Well my proof of God is the answer, you see when I was doing CPR I felt a squeeze on each of my shoulders you know how someone will walk up and squeeze your shoulder as a gestrure to get your attention. I had that one squeeze on each shoulder and when I looked up thinking it was cody or ambulance there to take over the cpr I saw my Daddy standing there as plain as day, I saw my first husband standing there Wade, just as plain as day. They came to collect Terry’s soul, and to let me know he would be safe wtih them. I never stopped working they would have to wait I needed Terry I told them come back in about 40 years becaue I can’t do this today. I kept working……now he is dead, I was laughing,….now I am crying and that smell is in the air……………………………………………………………….what would you do…………………….his mom and dad thought somehow I must have killed him what 36 year old woman has two dead husbands and a dead father from the same house…..they saw me as a catalist….with this a full autopsy was done after the organ harvest which also made them mad….but oh well I was his wife something here had to make some sense. The doctors assured him that Terry died of congestive heart failure and there was nothing that I had done and in fact they said that had it not been for my phenominal nursing skills he would have been dead long ago….I got ahead of myself…as the small of that room took over my entire mind, and body, I got up walked away from my dead husband and my living son and I walked up to someone at a desk a security gard and said my husband just died and I don’t know what to do can you tell me what to do……that is the last thing I remember. My son said they wrapped me in a blanket and walkked me out side and they set there letting me smoke cigartetts back to back until I fell asleep standing up they then let me sleep a while and cody drove me home. Momma was still alive back then and a few days later I called her and said Momma Terry died and I don’t know what to do….her words exactly were…”.Lesa Marie, now look here I am sorry as I can be that your husband died, but I was having a good day until you called. Again I am sorry that your husband died but don’t you call me again crying”. Please remember my previous post tells you I did not flush her ashes down the toilet when she assigned them to be as her last wish. They set comfortably with the rest of the ashes of my lost family members.

Life goes on or so they say, mine did not. All of a sudden one day I wake up and I get dressed and I go out I spent the whole day shopping, my husband was not on my mind I bought all new furniture, got a new cell phone, and everything was replaced in my house nothign from the past was there I was done with the past and I shopped until I dropped. I went home when I was done and I quit leaving the house for 3 years. I led a very active life from in side via a computer, but if i wasn’t out there in the world nothing could hurt me. On the 3rd year I quit not leaving my house and stepped it up a notch to not leaving my bedroom, i had food stored in my bathroom suite a mini fridge and all my computers. I shopped on line just buying stuff I would never need. It took up time that I could have been grieving over my two dead husbands. It got to the point that Cody then 15 called Ryan who was in college in FL and Ryan came home and said get your purse and he carried me out and ultimatly nailed the door shut so i could not go back in my bedroom. He said you have to move from here you need to be where I can kick your butt in gear. We need you and bad stuff has happened but we need you and the only thing worse for me and cody besides losing, papaw, nanny, and two dads is the thought of losing our only mother. Now get it together now. I did just that.

Cody and I packed it up and moved to Florida and we were revitalized by the ocean, the sand, the warm sunny days. I finished my teaching degree and got an amazing job wehre now I give back rather than think of what was taken from me. I give my students everything I have in me. But everyday when I go home I don’t have those feelings, I am all alone Cody in there playing his game me in here preparing for school tomorrow and what do I do with that awakward silence that looms in the part of my life that used to be filled by my dead family members. Earns of cremated remains line the shelves as the only decoration in the house, I am sure to never set momma and daddy to close to each other I jokingly tell cody I don’t miss their fighting that they were famious for when they were married.

What do I do with all this extra time on my hands. I shop, I shop, I shop, I shop, I don’t exactly know what all I am buying I just buy it many many things a day to the extent that some days you cant get into the house because of the postal deliveriers that look like a mountain blocking the door. I shop.

The boys said if I can go 90 days without shopping they will get my my dream harley davidson motorcycle. I make the deal and that is what lead me to the panic attack that spare time that was filled with shopping was plugging the glass of misery that I have held in my heart that lid was held tightly down by the shopping of endless supply for things I do not need that I bought.

My friend Mrs. Johnson and I talk daily at work, and test constantly at night and I told her the shopping was out of control unto this point I had not connected it with death. I thought I was just a savvy shopper that was making some great buys. She sent me a message saying Lesa, reading articles I have found that your shopping to fill a void, hugh….na…..Im just a shopper….my students really need this stuff that I have in here.  Last night after my severe panic attack I googled what she had said and indeed realized that my shopping was what I was doing to aleviate feeling that there was time to grieve my losses. I have now officialy gone 4 days without buying a single thing. Thank You Mrs. Johnson, and Ryan, and Cody you all are my life line on this no matter what. I think it is time that I finally make time to dispell these pent up feelings in my soul that I have gropped so tighlty under the surface. God willing I can except my losses and my gains. I am a mother, a wife and a teacher, that has been through so much but has never let it win. I continue to do this daily. I am just glad I have amazing son’s and a good friend to see me through

1991-2003 The Death of Wade Knox and the Destruction of My Own Soul

In the 90’s I met a young man named Wade Knox, he was beautiful, and everyone said he was CRAZY with 5 Z’s….I just did not see it. Did he hear people that were not there…thats what people said…did he see people that were not there….thats what people said….Schizophrenic…thats what they said….who was I to judge….I grew up with my mother….someone who wished me great pain all my life. Wade was unusual to say the least…he had this reputation and people seemed to be scared to death of him…even his friends…I never saw that….he had the most beautiful smile that I had ever seen. He had this look in his eyes that made my heart stop and the air catch in my throat. Was I in love…I don’t know you tell me! Wade was from a small town called Lonoke Arkansas, he was famous, but not in a good way….he was a lot like me in a way…and a lot NOT like me in a lot of ways. How can you be both…well I will tell you how…. Wade was very unique…he was the most precious soul, he treated me like I was a princess….and for some reason he trusted me…was he schizophrenic…yes he certainly was…..but was he born that way or was he made that way….I will be the judge of that so you don’t have to be….He was made that way. Wade was the nephew of the infamous boy scout troop leader Jack Walls, just google either name…..I’ll wait when your done crying and vomiting come back I will still be here!!!!!! This man Jack Walls was a child molester of the worst kind. He prayed on young boys and in order to have access to them he became a boy scout troop leader….not only did he rape, and abuse these kids he turned them into trained killers. His army, because he was hoping to cause enough hell on earth that he would get to set side by side with the devil when he died and went to hell…litteraly that is what motivated him…..Poor Wade….he was that mans nephew….poor Heath Stocks….Jack made that boy kill his entire family. He told Wade to kill his family too but instead Wade locked himself in the family home and sat it on fire to kill himself so he could never hurt a living soul. Wade had only one real eye, the other was manfactured…one day while Jack was thinking of new ways to be cruel he decided that he would have Wade ride out to the woods with him and he had wade gather rocks for a fire ring…then he had him place wood in the fire ring and cover it so that in the instance of rain it would not get wet. He then gave Wade a small green bag (army green) and told wade that three days exactly from the time on their watches that Wade would ride his bike to this location and bring with him this green bag that held one pair of pliers, and one very large nail…he would use the other provided items such as flint and wool to start a fire in the prpaired fire place that he had built. When the fire was going good he would place the nail into the fire so that it could become red hot and then he was to lay just beside the fire still as a statue and that at a certain time Jack would arrive and when he came he would retrieve the pliers that wade had laid carefully by the fire so that he could use them to retrieve a glowing red nail from said fire at which time he would push the nail into Wade’s Right Eye and burn it out. He gave very careful instructions that if Wade so much as cried one tear over this loss of his eye that he would kill his baby sister. When those 3 days were up Wade went to those woods and set that fire and he laid down and waited until jack came and pushed that hot nail into his eye and perminatly destroyed his eye. When his eye was gone, he was told to get on his bicycle and ride home telling his parents that he had tied a 2×4 with a nail in it onto a rope and then drug it behind his bike where it flew up and took out his eye…this was necessary for them to think the nail had been dragging the road to explain the heat that burnt through his eye ball. Friction creates heat….This is Wade’s truth, not mine….it was his pain….not mine…it was his life…before I came along…..So a perfectly normal little boy was made into a schizophrenic….becasue something had to happen you cannot stay whole after enduring over a decade of abuse….

When Wade became an adult he was tired of it…tired of everyone in his life that should have noticed…was it safe to say he hated his parents…YEP IT SURE WAS…it was also true that he loved them and hated himself for hating them. See when Wade told them what was really going on as he got closer to adult hood they all wanted him to shut up…very rich, public family, that did not want their business put on front street as they say. They said to Jack, move far, far, away and get counceling and never see us again and we will say nothing….Wade had so much hate built up in him from this lack of parenting that he put a gun to that mans head and made him confess everything he did. Jack got 3 life sentences and 3, 40 year sentences just to make sure he  is stil in jail when his sould leaves his body…as if he actually has a soul. He now rotts in Brickies Prison in Arkansas. He councels young prisioners on how to adapt to life in prision, is what a guard told me. All my life I rose above hate, I rose above everything, to always do the right thing…but this is where I draw the line…I hate Jack Walls and there is no forgivness on this earth for that scum bag. I used to wish they would just let him go for any reason so that I could hunt him down and get even for what he did to Wade.

Wade and I were the best of friends, he would ask me all the time…are you ever going to go on a date with me? I would say NEVER, your my best friend, I could not stand to loose you if it did not work out….he would say to me….ok I will keep asking……and asking…and be here…waiting for you to realize were meant to be together.

One day were driving down this little back road in the fall the weather was beautiful…I was driving…every person in town was out raking leaves…Wade waved at every single one of them…Why? Why? Why? It was weird, folks I’m not saying he gave a little nod, or flick of his wrist wave as we passed by, I mean he waived at people like we were leading a parade down the road. Finally I stopped the car and asked him…I said Ok what gives…”Wade, Why do you keep waiving at everyone we pass as if you know them personally,?????? Oh that smile came to life on his beautiful face and he said to me “HUN” he never called me Lesa just Hun, “HUN, I don’t know these folks, but me waiving at them may be the only nice thing that someone does for them today”. Those cracks in my heart in my last post, yall! Suddenly healed and I knew right then and there that I was looking into the face of the rest of my life I suddenly knew right then that I had met the person I would go to my grave loving….he went through so much and no one ever protected him, not his parents, not that town, school, no one protected him and here he is worried that they may not be having a nice day with that stunning smile of his….I was head over heals all the way in love with my best friend Wade Knox….

I did not care if he was schizophrenic, bipolar, crazy, off the rails, or just plain nuts. I loved him and he and I were two sides to the same coin. All that talk that I did about rising over what momma did to me….trying to make sense of why my God put me in that house with that woman…it all finally made sense…if I had grown up in a house with a loving mother, and such, what not…I would have never gotten to know Wade, I would have passed him right on bye just like everyone else who decided he was just to damaged to be around. Everything my mom did to me, I now thanked her for, and forgave her for, and would have agreed to go through it all over again becasue it prpaired me to be ready to meet the one person in this world that was the same inside as I was…full of cracks….our cracks were like puzzle pieces and somehow when we put them together we did not need glue, or any scotch tape…we simply worked together two parts of the same whole…oh I love you Wade Hampton Knox…I said it then…YOU ARE MY SOUL. On with the story…later that night were on my wrap around porch and there was no music playing and he had no idea what was going on in my head…..he had asked me out a thousand and one times and I had said no….tonight though….this man walked up to me took me by my hand and just started dancing with me on the porch under the moon and under the brilliant stars that lit up the sky and there was no music…I bet if we would have looked down we would have realized we were floating….He looked me in the face and with the quietest voice the tip of his nose touching mine….his eyes locked on my eyes….he said “When are you going to become Mrs. Knox….I looked so deeply into his soul and said “Absolutly, as soon as possible, I love you Wade Knox”. We were together every second of every day from then on out. We were married very soon afterwards and did life get in the way NO, NO IT DID NOT…Did Schizophrenia get in the way NO IT DID NOT….nothing could.

Wade took massize amounts of medication, and boy was our life different…some nights he would be so convinced that Jack Walls was in our house to hurt him and our children by the way we have Ryan and Cody by now….anyway…some nights it was so bad for him all I could do was yank the bed spread off the bed throw it over the kitchen table and tell him we will just hide here…the kids, Wade and I, man we spent many a night under that table…Don’t dare gasp and think oh my god that poor girl…that poor man,…those poor kids….cause this was not who we were. Every morning I woke up to him bringing me a cup of coffee, and saying time to go to school Mrs. Knox (nursing school) he carried my books to the car, opened the door, kissed me by, and said go become brilliant, Mrs. Knox, have a wonderful day. When I came home in the evening he would be waiting on the carport when I pulled in and he opened my door and kissed me and said did you have a good day, Mrs. Knox, I would say …I am now!!!! he carried my books in and my world was just fine. We had more love than you could shake a country stick at…in case you all don’t know a country stick is a big stick!

Occassionaly Wades meds would burn out and quit working, pots and pans would rattle in his head, voices would start whispering and telling him things that he did not agree with..and when they would insist that he should hurt us…..he would flip out… he was battling the devil himself. Long story short trips to the psych ward. Baptist hospital in Little Rock Arkansas. The Psych floor was one half of one story of the hospital, the other half was cardiac surgery….I could not set on the psych side because they did not have family waiting…all they had was this solid glass wall the patients could see out of….I sat in these green chairs on the cardiac side, I slept, ate, and lived here when he was hospitalized so that he would know I was close. It was our thing, if he was hospitalized then he would never be there alone. I might not be able to touch him but he could see me. It seemed to help his recovery. Time after time I sat and lived in those ugly, green, uncomfortable chairs. You think life must have sucked for me and Wade, where was our break, didn’t we deserve something to finally go right….ye of little faith…your not looking at everything that was right….I knew Wade had demons, but we had a good life together and the good balanced the bad. In my mind I figued my glorious God, must have worked really hard to create such a special soul to put in a human body knowing what it would have to endure to take Jack Walls out. You see the truth of the mattter is Jack had been mollesting countless numbers of children for over 40 years to the best of my ability to recount facts. His plea bargin hardly tells the truth of the story and he did not get charged for every crime just a few enough to make sure he would never go free again.

In the year 2003 I lost my mind, because you can’t seperate a persons heart from their soul and their mind remain in tact you see!

Life was going pretty good, the kids were doing great we had a perfect christmas, and I wasn’t thinking …..first things first our phone rang constantly with calls from Brickeys prison with collect calls from the inmate Jack Walls, a computer called in but he got to say his own name…it was like knives…or should I say hot nailes poking you in the eye to hear his voice. We changed our number over and over but it still happened. Wish I had shot that phone when I had the chance….we had kids, and I had a husband that often needed 911 immediatly so not having a phone would have been devistating. That empty, evil, dark souled, man just kept calling our house. God help me, I wanted them to let him go so I could destroy him. Time went by and I decied to get Cable tv…the next no no..if you know anything about schizophrenia, you know you cannot invite strangers into the house especially with wires and boxes….it sets the schizophrenic off on a paranoid delusion…..of propersterous effects….sorry for the spelling…a few tears are getting in the way at this point. (pause) (Pause) (PAUSE)….

Wade spent an entire day acting very paranoid setting in our yard watching an empty house across the street….he was not acting crazy or scary…just paranoid…watching the house….in his mind the people that hooked up the cable “MONITORING DEVICES” in our house must be set up in that empty house spying on us for Jack, in his mind, at any moment they were going to rush over and kill his children Ryan, and Cody, then his babies would be dead, and of course Jack would not stop there he would kill his wife, the only person who understood him…did I know all this was going on…no …I only saw a man setting in a chair thats all……well the next day…Wade said Hun, take me to my parents house for a minute I need to pick something up…OK I did, he went in and got something I didn’t know what but we were on our way back home, and he said swing by my friends house…I did but he was not there…Wade looked devistated….as we were headed home he said Hun stop there’s Bud, right there…I whipped in the parking lot and Wade got out to speak to his friend Bud Smith….I was not outside to hear the conversation, I now know it went like this…

WADE::::::.”Bud, I need your help, your my best friend”….

BUD::::::::: Sure, Wade, what every you need…I have your back dog, you know this…..

WADE::::: Its a big favor BUD…..

BUD::::::::: There is no favor to big brother, what do you need!!!!!????? (they were like brothers)

WADE::::::: I need you to promice me that if anything ever happens to me that you will protect my wife and sons as if they were your own, no matter what.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUD:::::: Wade, Man, it goes unsaid, you know I’d give my own life to protect your family, they are my family too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What’s going on???????

WADE:::::: Nothing man, I just want assurances that if anything ever happened my wife and kids are taken care of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Handshakes) (Hugs) Wade gets back in the car, Bud goes his way, we go ours. We get home and when Wade goes back to set in that red law chair in the yard, I go out to just flat out ask him what is going on….my stomach felt like it had butterflies….He looked me in my face and said with true heartfelt love, its going to be ok, HUN, I love you go back in the house. At this point I see that he has a gun under his leg…..”WHAT TO DO< WHAT TO DO>>>>I just ask, in a very calm voice,,,,,hey baby, whats the gun for,,,,he said no reason, I just picked it up from Mother, and Dad’s house….I said OK…but everything is ok,,,,,he said yeah hun everything is fine. I walk in the house call his mother right away, tell her Wade is in the Yard with a gun, described the gun, as the one being known to me as the gun he put to jack walls head the day he made him confess. His mom said Lesa call the police, have them come get him…..I said oK, I called my dearest friend Randy Mauk, who was on the Lonoke Police Department and said to him that I was scared something was going on with Wade and he had the gun he put to Jacks head in our yard……should I had dialed 911 maybe,,,,,would it have made a difference no….it would have made it worse….I needed help from someone who knew Wade, and would not startle him by pulling up at the house…..Randy was in the middle of raid or something and it was going to be a while. Wade just setting there….I walk out in the yard and say Wade, honey, can I tell you something….He said yes….I said….The gun….it is really scarring me….I wish you were setting out here with that thing…..he said to me…Im sorry HUN, I didn’t think of it that way, and simply handed me the gun….OK, maybe I am over reacting or something….but the butterflies are not going away…but I have the gun….I called his mom back and told her “he gave me the gun”…I asked her to call his doctor and let them know and see what they thought this was……she assured me she would call me back asap. I took the bullets out of the gun and I laid the gun on top of the tv….the shells in a silver dish on the dresser…..everything was cool, he was not upset, he was not freaking out…I had the gun…he was actually very very calm.

Only a few minutes after I got off the phone with her Wade walked in the house. He came in there and said My gosh, I could use a nap, and he laid down on the bed and took my hand, and I laid down beside him. He and I were laying face to face in our purple walled bedroom with the calming Magnolia, border along the celing….he is strocking my cheak with so much love..his watch rattling as he did so..he reaches over and unsnaps the watch and said Hun, Im so tired of hearing this band rattle put this in your jewlery box….save it for Ryan one day….he loves that watch….it is just to noisy and I am afraid its going to pull your hair and you know I would never want to be responsible for hurting you….( I have the gun….there are no bullets in the gun…everything is ok…..butterflies wont settle in my stomach….I am just feeling this out) He is telling me a story of what it felt like for him the day we met. What our kids meant to him and how until he met us his life had no meaning…that now through all his pain he finally knew what it meant to really feel good, loved, and happy.

The phone rings it is his mom, I have no idea what she said, to him when he answered the phone, but what every it was I thought it must has been bad becasue he responded by explaining to her very rationally that he hated her, that she knew all his life what Jack had done and was doing to him and that she did not give a damn…..he was classically rude….I wasn’t there when he was growing up….so those are his words…not mine…I am just telling you the true story of Wade Knox……as I herd it so legally I guess you could call it hear say…I did not hear what she said to him, I could only hear what he was saying to her and it was so terrible that I reached over and unplugged the phone from the wall so she would not have to hear it anymore and he would not have to say it anymore…..when I did he just picked me straight up off my feet laid me back down on the bed and said Im sorry Hun that you had to hear that, it has been a long time deserved. He said that our mothers made us the perfect couple that they were so warped and caught up in their own junk that they never cared about what their kids were going through….he said Hun I love you, you know this, I said of course I do, hot tears rolling down my cheeks…he was just petting my heat and I was holding all this inside until I just got really sleepy, hazzy almost and felt myself drifting off almost in a trance from the way he was stroking my hair and face….I oped my eyes and saw tears in his eyes….he kissed me and said I love you mrs. Knox but I won’t have you setting in that green chair…..(IN MY HEAD) Hugh…what green chair what are you talking about…words could not make it from my brain to my mouth…..He gently kisses me again and stands up walks over to the tv pickes up the gun…I notice immediatly….but I HAVE THE BULLETTS…What good is a gun with no bullets.

It is only a few steps from our bedroom to the front door and into the front yard….what was that I heard a tiny click…oh my god he locked the door…why did he lock the door…why did it take hours, days, even for me to get from the bed to the door…the whole world had stopped….I can’t get this damn door to open why wont the door open,,,,,seconds take days….pull push,….shove…kick…I have the bullets….why wont the door open…..God stopped me and I turned around just as I herd the gun shoot, his hands drop down he slumps forward hands grabbing his stomach…


I saw him fall forward in slow motion…..

He hit his knees then fell straight back……..

door, this damn door wornt open….think Lesa, how does the damn door open….push in on the knob and turn Lesa thats how you unlock the door….I did it….

I run to the yard…who shot him…who shot my baby….my world….my life…my soul…who shot him…..I ran right between our sons just standing there looking very odd… time for that someone shot Wade…..Someone…OH MY GOD SOMEONE SHOT WADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I rush to his body laying there ….I don’t see any blood what happened…his stomach is ok,,,,he was not shot….Oh god is he breathing….I don’t know my heart is banging so hard I can’t see becasue my eyes are shaking……he looks perfect looks asleep….what the hell is going on here…..I place my hands on each side of his had pulling him up …WADE WADE WADE open your eyes wade, look at me what is wrong….CPR…I am a NURSE…I will do CPR…I am CPR, AED Certified….Don’t move his head around his neck may be injured….LESA PAY ATTENTION>>>>

Tilt the head back, ok Lesa Let go of his head so you can tilt his head back…….come on NURSE, CPR, Breathe and compress……..yes I can do this…..let go now so you can do the CPR

I let go of his head and suddly my hands they are solid red covered in warm sticky red stuff…what the hell is going on what is this stuff….CPR… that hair on my hands what is the gray stuff….CPR LESA CPR >>>>>>get your head in the game CPR…He looks ok,,,,he is knocked out or something…..all this racket is my soul be ripped apart from my heart…..

Tilt the head back breathe……grey stuff packed in his nose what the hell…..I breathe into his mouth his chest does not rise something rushes onto my hands….OH MY GOD HIS HEAD ITS GONE IN THE BACK…..

What the hell is going on here……how is his head gone….he is not shot I don’t see any holes… is his head gone…..the next thing I know my yard is covered in police, ambulance, My neighbors, ,,,,,everyone …why is everyone here…what is this all over me all over my hands…..who is that screaming….my head feels like its going to blow up….Randy, Randy and my neighbor are holding me down while I scream becasue my soul is being riped from my heart….let me go to him….what the hell are they doing just standing there…I beg them just help him…let me help him….somehow I get loose and thow myself on him they drag me off,,,,holding me down and then to calm me they said I could set next to the “BODY” and touch the shoe….only…..numb….who is that screaming…that sounds like me…why would I be screaming…what the hell is going on here….why is my baby laying on that ground…..who are all these people…..Ok yes I will only touch his shoe nothing elese I promice just let me be by him….my sisters…why are my sisters here….they never come over…..who are those little red statues of my kids who painted statues of my kids……why would you paint red and gray statues of kids….am I dreaming…Wade, PLEASE WAKE UP….PLEASE WAKE ME UP..

.Wade please….please…please…baby please wake up….lets just wake up please……

Who is that screaming, who is that screaming….my god that person is screaming so loud my head is going to explode….oh my god did his head explode…what the hell happened…….

At some point for my own safty Randy decided to stuff me into the back seat of a police car so they could remove Wades body from the yard, but I was bound and detremined to kick the door out and get back to him and when the window popped they decided their idea was more harm than good…

I got back to his body and laid down beside him my head on his shoulder looking at the weird statues of our kids standing there painted red and gray…..and I floated away…my soul got up and went with Wades soul to heaven I guess because it did not stay here…it didn’t stay with me…I felt it leave…

The next thing I recall I was standing in my mothers shower with all my cloths on…fully clothed my sister Cindy standing there in the water holding me……wiping the blood from my hair…I was wearing a yellow shirt….how is my shirt yellow…why is she washing all I have left of him off of me…I can’t talk, I can’t move all I can do is stand there and let her wash him down the drain. Did someone get the statues from my yard….I don’t want my kids to see them they were terrible…who would do that……make a statue like that of my babies….someone was playing a very cruel joke on me……

How long was I in the shower…is this water falling on me…is it raining blood in here…..someone get me out of here….I need to go home..I am not at school so I need to be home the only time that we are apart is when I am at school and I am not at school so I need to be home with WADE…..Hun, Hun, Hun………………………………………………………………………………………….

When I came from the shower, the blood bath, none of this happened I realized…becaause if it had happened it would still be here…you can’t wash that down the drain…..can you…no you can’t……..

My sister has me laying like a baby on the couch ….my god they brought those terrible statues to my mothers house…she probably had them made….just to hurt me….she would do that ……why do the statues look real they are no longer red and gray…they are Ryan and Cody…someone had given them the blood bath too and washed away all that was left of their father…down the drain…..they broght the statues over and laid them by me….I felt their tiny hearts beat… one made a sound…maybe we were deaf now, maybe we were all dead…maybe this was a sick, cruel dream…..maybe this is what it feels like when your soul is ripped away from your heart….when someone tears the puzzle out of your chest the puzzle that only works with his pieces and my pieces…is my heart going to leak now that his is torn away…..

Time has gone by I don’t know how much of it….My kids were my kids they were not statues…they say Wade put the gun in his mouth and shot…..what did he say to me….the green chair….what green chair….what the hell was he talking about green chairs for….nothing made sense…. Take me back to my house and take me back right now….and I mean NOW TAKE ME HOME NOW>>>>>>>>>>> Me and my kids….we don’t live here….we will never live here….take us home now….I was adimate….I was going home to OUR HOUSE where Wade, the boys, and I lived.

A big pile of sand what the world….why is there a big pile of sand in my yard…is he under that sand….please tell me they did not cover his with all that sand…he could not stand to even walk barefooted becasue of gritt and they dumped a load of sand on him…..what in the world….

I am watching them… family….watching me…..waiting for me to go crazy….would they not love that…just leave…..I have to get that sand off my husband please leave…leave now…. please leave…..I was found the next morning in my yard having dug with my bare hands the entire area of dirt that was covered in sand unable to find him at all…..I had all his medicine laid out in the floor by the time Randy go their my babysitter, (KIM my little sister, and her boyfriend) had called the police (Randy) who I now hated where was he when I called him that was more important than Wades last day on earth…this was all his fault. I hate him for this…II hate myself……….I wan’t him back….I can fix it….I just need to find out where they took him and give him his medicine and he will be ok…..his medicine will fix this and then we can go home…the kids won’t be statues anymore and we can all go home.

Randy decided I needed to go to the hospital once I get there they help me to realize that Wade had been dead now for almost a week, and I was in something they called Severe Shock, refusing to face reality…….that my husband had shot himself with our children standing five feet away and that they were covered in brain matter and blood.

A grief councelor tried to convince me that Wade was not a good person for leaving me and the kids….I wanted to slap her face…she did not know him…know what he had been through….how dare her say that. She was trying to move me from the denial stage to the rage stage as I call it so that I could snap back to reality.

None of this could be real, if he had died we would have had a funeral….I was then told that we had a very large funeral that I had helped to arrange the entire thing, picked out the casket, the memorial flyer,,,,the prayer that people would read……apparently then I tried to drag his body from the coffin and take him home to where I would just pretend like he was asleep and we would be ok…we would just lay him in the house and pretend he was asleep and life would go on… does not go on……how do you go on without a soul…..because it was riped from your heart.

He was 23, Why did God bring me here, why did he let me belive that going through life with my mom growing up was ok because it prpaired me to be there for Wade, if God was just going to take him away….what was it about a green chair…..I don’t get it I just don’t get it……

It has now been 11 long years since Wade Hampton Knox took his own life in Lonoke Arkansas. I felt empty for so very long and just was not quite right for a long time. I functioned somehow, took care of my kids somehow,,,,,and I never let anyone say a bad word about Wade. So many wanted to believe that his sould went to Hell, because the bible says you can’t ask for forgivness for killing yourself because your dead so therefore you soul goes to hell. This is what was messing me up…..this perfect, beautiful man went through hell on earth to stop a demon that prayed on children. I now know today that Wade was not put on this earth to fix me, nor was I put here to fix him. There was a demon named Jack Walls loose on this earth terrorizing children and God had to put an Angel’s Sould into a mans body to fight this war. Angel’s can’t live here on Earth….but the torment that he suffered in that body, he could not let go. God gave him a small bit of true happieness as a reward for being the protector of children and then he let him come home. There are no elevators to heaven and Wade took the only route that he knew to get back home.

You know they say….all people do that have lost someone….”I wish I had five more minutes”….Just five more minutes…one more day….with their lost loved ones. I don’t wish for that at all….Wade lived through hell on earth and I would never wish that on him again for one second. When Wade died I lost my soul and I gathered the broken bits of his pain, and fear, and wadded them up and placed them inside me so that I would never forget why he was here and why he left me and these kids.

Stages of Grief, maybe they work for some they never did for me, they say at some point you have to get mad at the person who died in order to forgive and recover but I never could, and never will. I could never be mad at him. All I have to do is think of him and I am floating on that porch telling him…..absolutly as soon as possible…as those stars twinkle and he asks me when I am going to become Mrs. Knox.

I am sure you are wondering about the kids. Cody was very very young at the time and has blocked all the bad memories and only retains the good ones. Ryan, has holes in his soul as well and sometimes his sadness leaks out when he thinks of what he was robbed of. As this blog continues you will realize that my life is built upon death, anywhere, I try to find continment and love death is sure to follow. However at some point you realize that through all the saddness there was all that love and honestly when I think about Wade I feel warmth and happieness and it almost feels like he has his arms around me again.

The kids are grown now, we have all moved away and I am a teacher, I have devoted my life to making sure that I give all children in my presence a sense of safety so that they can never be hurt by anyone or felt that they have no one to trust. I still love everyone, with the exception of Jack Walls whom I hate, and when I see someone out cutting their grass we wave at them like we are leading a parade down main street.

You have a choice in this life you can let life get you or you can get life. I lost Wade, but I try not to think of it as loss, I think of it as a brief moment in my life when I knew exactly what it feels like to have it all. That love, comfort, and happieness….it may not have been the picture you would paint but it is one that I live in daily. Wade was on this earth 23 years but he will be remembered and known by all who have come behind him. The Wade Knox Child Advocacy Center was created so that any child being abused can be given the help and assistance, as well as safty that all children deserve. When a monster truly is hiding under your childs bed the least we can do is make sure that Wade Knox the guardian Angel of all abused children can protect them. Wade will live on forever in the media with the tv shows that were produced, the new segments, but most of all in our hearts in the hearts of my children. I can guarantee you that when my grand children are born they will know exactly who they are and who Wade was.

Death does not define life, your time spent on this earth is but a mere blink of an eye when compared to an eternity in heaven. Free will being what it is sometimes God has to think outside the box a little to correct the mistakes that humans make.

Did God really put me in the womb of my mother so that I could suffer and be there for Wade so that I could except his problems instead of turning him away like so many did? No, I don’t think God does that. He saw a cycle of abuse that spanned many generations deep in my family and he made me a strong soul so I could digest the abuse and rise above it. The family that was born of my body will not go through what I did and neither will their children becasue we broke the cycle of abuse. Wade was just a small token of Gods aprreciation for a job well done I think and I am thankful for the time I had with him.

This is the first time I was able to set down and write this completly without falling apart. That thing they say about time healing all wounds is a crock…..yes I said it is a crock, a mistruth, a lie….something people say to make themselves feel better in a wierd situation when they just don’t really know what else to say. Life moves on regardless of what is going on in our lives but we adjust, you never get over it but your change because of it. I know I have one more powerful angel in heaven watching me help all these children and I respect and love him for being a part of my life for being a part of my childrens lives.

In honor of Wades memory, I vow to never turn my back on a child in need, I vow to never overlook a situation and think maybe it’s none of my business…..its better to be safe than sorry because there are some sick folks out there. Is that the only reason that I am a teacher, no, it sure itsn’t ….I am a teacher because I want to give children the ability to be sucessful in this life and to grow up with all the tools to function in society productivly. Getting to watch out for the bad guys is just a bonus.


My life and my Death Lesa 1975 to 1991

I thought I grew up having a hard life. My mom, what a piece of work! She raised us telling us our father looked at us like he wanted to have sex with us…what a crock…my dad was actually great just an alcholic of major proportions. To fix this problem he worked off shore so he did not have access to alchol which left me at the mercy of my mothers hands! One story is all I need to tell to identify her as the monster that she was….when I was 13 she took my night gown and urinated on it and then threw it at me…I snuck it to the trash can and she found it came and woke me up with a stomp to the ribbs. She brought me to the trash made me dig it out and then wrapped it around my face and stomped me to the kitchen floor. Each time that I tried to removed the urin soaked flannel night gown from my face as I felt I was smothering in whisky soaked urine…she would stomp my head or rib cage. I laid in that floor until the night gown was completly dry…it took almost 2 days. Everyone in the house knew what was going on it was happening in the middle of the kitchen floor!!!! They had to walk around me in order to get into the refrigerator! I rocked at night normally praying for God to let her die! Then praying for my own sould and telling him that I loved here…it went like this …rocking…bump head on wall…praying…Dear God, please let my momma die…dear God…I love my momma…Dear God Please let my momma die…dear God, I love my momma…..These are the cards we were delt and she did not die…I soon thought that somehow I must be a bad, bad, person deep down for God to give me this woman as a mother…and to give me a father who could do nothing about it as much as he would have liked too. I wandered through life just thinking something was wrong with me, bad wrong, my mom seemed to love my brothers and sisters, and she hated my gutts. What did I do, to her…I had never heard her tell me she loved me…not even once….she did tell me one time that she was sorry that she did not love me…she knew she should ….but she just often found herself looking at me wishing she had gotten an abortion, or maybe been mugged or pushed down some stairs. This is what God gave me as a mother…WHY? This is the important question. I would dream of one day having children and they would be so loved,,,,,they would never know pain,,,,and never ever go to sleep without hearing those magic words that so many take for granted. Good night sweet heart, mommy loves you more than anything in this world! That is what I would say to them. How does a child pray to God to take their mother out of their life and how does a child love this kind of mother. I spent my entire life trying to please that woman and make her love me. Folks you can do a lot in this world but you can not make someone love you…some just are not capable of this feat. My mom has a long sad story too….because as you read this your gasping thinking oh that poor girl. My mom was rapped by her father, forced to bathe her dead 4 year old sister, before the sherrif arrived back in the late 40’s early 50’s…then when she got to old for her dad to find interesting he sold her at the age of 13 to a 40 year old who got her pregnant six times in a row…she wanted to die…and had no idea what love was herself. So don’t think my mom is horrible just because of what I said…she did not know how to love because she was broken. She saw something in me that she needed to break. I loved everyone I ever met and she was trying to make me hate the world so I could never be hurt and I loved her so much I probably made her hate me so she could deal with what she was doing to me….think justifying ones actions….I thank that woman today for every mean, rotten, horrible, thing she ever did to me because I became who I am today “IN SPITE OF HER ACTIONS”. She wanted to break me, I became stronger, she want me to hate, so I loved harder, she wanted me to think I was nothing, so I strived to become everything, there was no celing on my accomplishments, I plan on going through the roof with everything I do. She wanted me to be selfish and I am giving. She wanted me to hate children, and I love every single one that I meet. She wanted me to hate her as much as she hated me, out of the 14 kids she had in her life I am the only one who took care of her, she died of cancer in 2014, she even designated that I should have her ashes when she died….”NO I DID NOT FLUSH MOM DOWN THE TOILET”…did she deserve it..probably, would you think ill of me if I said that is exactly what I did…no you would think I was justified. You would be wrong. My mother taught me more love with all her hate than most people will ever know. The more she hated me the stronger and better I got. I had something to prove to her….I am made out of something that does not break. Not then, not now, and not tomorrow. I quit school at 16 and had a baby, oh no here we go classic teen pregnancy saga….NOT,….your classic teen pregnancy saga goes like this…got pregnant…quit school….lived off the state…welfare… and doesn’t take good care of the kids. NOT ME>>>>NOT MY BABY…..the first thing I did when I got pregnant on purpose was get myself a job…as a cna in a nursing home…as soon as I had the job…I found me a judge…and hired a lawyer…when he heard the facts he charged me one dollar to represent and offered to pay my filling fees but I told him that was not a very good way to start out being an adult taking a handout first thing….I told him I would except his services for a dollar but I insisted on paying my own filling fees. “SEE IN ARKANSAS the only way out of that house was to be pregnant….so I could be emancipated”….so I moved on forward…my life was on its way to being perfect my baby was on the way…how I was going to love this child with my whole heart. ..the judge quickly emancipated me and I was living in my own house with my baby. I made 4.25 an hour and felt like I was rich. I loved Ryan so much that I thought my heart could burst wide open. I got my GED and was prepairing for college. The girl that was born in 1975 died in 1991. That unloved, unhappy, sad little girl was reborn as a mother who paid her own bills, no medicaid, or state help of anykind. I worked my self ragged and took care of my baby and paid my own bills. I did not have him just to get by as so many people do. I did not have him just to get out. I had Ryan because I needed him to fix my broken heart and I loved him termendiously. I was happier than any human being had the right to be. You can’t fix a broken heart folks, you can put scotch tape, glue, bandaids and anything else you can think of the cracks are still there. Each time your heart breaks it dammages your soul. I was always very smart….when mom did something nasty I analyzed the why…..why was she being nasty? What purpose does it serve? Is there something I could do to change myself to have made the outcome different? I say I died because at somepoint you convience yourself that you no longer care and you move on with what you have. That is what I did. In the end she paid the price for it. Surpassing 1991 I got married, became a nurse and when she was diagnosed with cancer she wanted me to take care of her. I wanted to tell her to go somewhere and die and get what she deserved but you love your mom no matter what. Rationally I spoke to her and said Momma, I am so sorry you have cancer, and this is going to be the worst battle of your life. I will do what I can to make it as easy as possible on you but you need to always be aware that I am not doing it because I feel like I owe you anything. I am doing it simply because I love you in spite of who you are, I LOVE YOU, and I am not doing this for you. I am doing this for me so that when you die, I have no regrets that I was a bad, or spitful person who watched you suffer. I am giving you a gift now, the gift of a daughter who is going to forgive you for everything you did. I am going to see you through this to the end and then be relieved when your gone. I then explained to her the struggle I had been in all my life where I just kept working trying to do the impossible which was to make her love me. It was a relief knowing that when she died that job was over for me. I did not have to work so hard to try to made a hatred filled person love me. I will go to my grave knowing that I cared, loved, supported her in spite of the abuse and absence of love that she gave me. That is just what I did. The day my son Ryan was born in 1991 I had a funeral for myself, saying good bye to Lesa that girl that suffered and looked foward to walking on rainbows and clouds the rest of my life. You know what they say, make plans and God laughs….

to be continued……………………. see

1991-2003 The Death of Wade Knox and the Destruction of My Own Soul

aka Charles Jack Walls, the child rapist…..boyscout troop leader……demonic soul snatcher…….the hatred that I can not unload.